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Topic:
HELL BRINGER BOOK-1 ARCANE LORD CHAPTER III

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Topic Review (Latest First)

Posted by Eien no yoru
03-08-2014 04:01 AM

Mu wrote: Your characters seem robotic when speaking.

When you portray and identify the appearance of your characters and then have them speak is kind of Gary/Mary stu-ish.

Have you ever heard of formatting your sentences and paragraphs? Nobody likes a chunk of words in their face.

Your story is quite predictable. And the concept of Chaos wasn’t done a bazillion times?

Your grammar needs tweaking. It varies from correct usage like for example - there, their, they’re -, - too, to-, etc. You need to use comma’s also. And correct capitalization. Work on the usage of Who, which, that.

You lack imagery, and detail also. But I wouldn’t want you writing the appearance of a character or single action to stretch on and on and on and on.

You use the same verbs too much. Spread out your dictionary.

I can see you’re trying and that’s good, this has the potential to be a great and interesting story.

Keep working.



and if you seriously want to know the story behind this, i started it when i was nine and then when i was eleven, i read it and thought WTF is this shit? it rubbish. Then i disregarded it for like a year until i decided, well if i want to be a writer, then I should really get some feedback. most of my writing is fantasy and stuff like this. but yh. I haven’t actually tweaked this since i was nine so i do realize how the characters are robotic. I need to give more than one personality.

Posted by Eien no yoru
03-08-2014 03:57 AM

Ladd wrote: Why do you type in blue text?



blue is cool.

Posted by Fuck you Luis
03-08-2014 03:56 AM

Why do you type in blue text?

Posted by Eien no yoru
03-08-2014 03:55 AM

Mu wrote: Your characters seem robotic when speaking.

When you portray and identify the appearance of your characters and then have them speak is kind of Gary/Mary stu-ish.

Have you ever heard of formatting your sentences and paragraphs? Nobody likes a chunk of words in their face.

Your story is quite predictable. And the concept of Chaos wasn’t done a bazillion times?

Your grammar needs tweaking. It varies from correct usage like for example - there, their, they’re -, - too, to-, etc. You need to use comma’s also. And correct capitalization. Work on the usage of Who, which, that.

You lack imagery, and detail also. But I wouldn’t want you writing the appearance of a character or single action to stretch on and on and on and on.

You use the same verbs too much. Spread out your dictionary.

I can see you’re trying and that’s good, this has the potential to be a great and interesting story.

Keep working.



I’ll tweak it and post ASAP but thanks. oh and as for chaos. I just seriously couldn’t think of a better name for the Arcane of Lightning. the others are creative but i lost the vibe and just chucked it in there. and as for paragraphing, i don’t know why but i copied from Open office and the paragraphs just vanished... But if you could highlight some of the sentences that need tweaking then I can improve much better. thanks though. =D

CATaclysmicMeow wrote: I think it looks good so far. Wasn’t this the last chapter you posted before taking that hiatus?



nah. i posted II before the break.

Posted by CATsuya Meow
03-08-2014 12:09 AM

I think it looks good so far. Wasn’t this the last chapter you posted before taking that hiatus?

Posted by Nerd
03-07-2014 08:37 PM

Your characters seem robotic when speaking.

When you portray and identify the appearance of your characters and then have them speak is kind of Gary/Mary stu-ish.

Have you ever heard of formatting your sentences and paragraphs? Nobody likes a chunk of words in their face.

Your story is quite predictable. And the concept of Chaos wasn’t done a bazillion times?

Your grammar needs tweaking. It varies from correct usage like for example - there, their, they’re -, - too, to-, etc. You need to use comma’s also. And correct capitalization. Work on the usage of Who, which, that.

You lack imagery, and detail also. But I wouldn’t want you writing the appearance of a character or single action to stretch on and on and on and on.

You use the same verbs too much. Spread out your dictionary.

I can see you’re trying and that’s good, this has the potential to be a great and interesting story.

Keep working.

Edited 03-07-2014 08:41 PM by Nerd
Posted by Eien no yoru
03-07-2014 08:28 PM

III

Fran and I finally arrived at the house of the Demons. The house was just like any other apart from the fact that an invisible jet plane sat in the backyard. The family had the father who was just a normal looking man with a short beard, moustache and grey hair. He was pretty muscular and had white skin. The mother who was quite beautiful for a Demon. She had long blonde hair and was slim. She was tall and had white skin just like the father. Then there was their son. He was the only child. He looked a lot like Liam but he was taller. Liam lead us to the backyard and the father of the Demons whose name was Scot showed was going to be flying us to Greenland. “Mr Liam is someone who we owe a great debt. And by flying you to Greenland I hope we can pay it off. Now with the your added aura, we can give the jet the ability to pass through things while staying invisible. But once we are in the air, we can take off the invisibility and just use it normally.” Scot spoke with a German accent.
“We thank you for doing this for us Scot. We will make our way back to England on our own but for now, let us get going please.” Fran said.
“Yes. I will temporarily disable the invisibility so that you can get in.” Scot extended his arm and a soft yellow light flew outwards. It hit something and dispersed. Then a steel jet appeared. It was just about big enough to contain all of us. “This jet can fly at speeds just under Mach one so the ride will be short. We have one missile but hopefully it won’t be needed. We ascend vertically until we are at a high enough altitude and then we go forward. Now. Climb in. Helmets are on the seats.” Scot flicked a switch on a remote in his hand and the glass roof opened exposing the cockpit. He climbed in and gestured for us to get in as well. There were three seats luckily enough so we just about managed to squeeze in. We strapped ourselves in and pulled on our helmets. There were a number of controls in front of us. But I just hoped that we wouldn’t have to use them. After all this was the co-pilot’s seat. The glass roof closed and Scot’s voice sounded in my ear. “We will now take off.”
Suddenly, the jet hummed. I was afraid the neighbours would come running any second. “Scot!” Liam said. “I’ll use my aura to make the jet invisible” Then he pointed his arm up and gold light spread over the craft making it invisible. From the inside it looked normal. But on the outside I hope it didn’t. The jet rose higher and higher until I could hardly see any buildings. Then we shot forward at an astounding speed and my head was thrown back. Scot was right; this would be a short ride.

The jet rocketed through the air and Scot told us we would be in Greenland quite soon. “So.” I began. “The plan is that we find Chaos and if he knows who he is, we recruit him and if not, we tag him. But there is a problem. If Chaos doesn’t know who he is, he could kill us. So we need to go all out from the start. Oh and Liam, take this.” I pulled out an aura bar from my pocket and handed it to Liam. “Thanks. I need it.” The bar looked just like a dairy milk chocolate but it contained Demonic aura. He bit into it and sighed. “Great.” He opened his hand and produced a small red orb. Then it disappeared. “So basically it’s a hit or miss situation.” Fran speculated. “We get the element of surprise to attack and knock him out. Then we tag him right?”
“Yeah. One chance.” I said. “I advise we all attack at the same time. Oh and avoid its aura, the pressure alone can knock you out.”
“Great. Give me an another aura bar. I need-” Liam was cut off by the distinct sound of gunfire. I was confused. I looked at Scot and he nodded. I knew what we had to do. Scot flicked a few switches and slowed down the jet to normal speed. A loud voice resounded all around us. “IDENTIFY YOURSELVES! WE ARE THE RAF!”
“RAF?!” I thought. “What the hell are they doing here?!” I thought. “Liam!” I shouted. “I know it sounds very stupid but here’s what I want you to do. Take my sword. I know you can channel your aura into it. I want you to put your upper body outside the jet and take out that RAF plane.”
He looked at me as if I was mad. Then he laughed. “Good one. I thought you were serious.” I stared at him. The smile slowly disappeared off his face. “You are serious. Fine. Give me an aura bar. I’m still recovering my aura from the battle with Seth and that Ifrit.” I tossed him two bars and he swallowed them whole. Then he scooped up my sword and unsheathed it. The tip of the blade gleamed. He slowly stood up. The plane shook. “IDENTIFY YOURSELVES OR WE WILL FIRE!” The RAF pilot boomed. Then Scot half opened the roof. A cruel blast of wind slapped me in the face and the change in pressure got to me immediately. I managed to keep my head from bursting by creating a Chi barrier around my head. I did the same for Liam. Liam struggled against the wind as if it were an iron weight holding him down. But he managed to grip the opening. He hauled his upper body out and held the sword upwards. The blade started to glow red. He slashed downwards and he slashed back up again. Two red arcs of light flew from the blade and cleaved the RAF plane in half. It then exploded illuminating the night. Liam let go of the ledge he was using to hold himself up and he fell back into the plane. Scot closed the roof and Liam put his helmet back on and strapped himself in. “I’m never doing that again.”
I smiled and slapped his shoulder. “I don’t expect you to. Give me the sword.” I said.
He sheathed the blade and threw it to me. I caught it and placed it back on the ground. “All ready?” Scot asked.
“YES!” we all replied in unison. Then suddenly, the jet picked up speed and we were back on track.

We landed on the coast of Greenland. By the time we were there, the sun was rising. But nevertheless, the entire landscape was covered in a thick yet soft blanket of crisp lily white snow. It was cold but not biting cold, just a bit of wind every now and again. There were mountains in the distance and trees that sparkled in the dim light as part of a barren forest. Although I might be about to die soon, I let go of my worries for a few minutes and took in the beautiful site before me. The site wasn’t spoiled by any ugly towns or cities. Just a few huts dotted around the place. As soon as Scot left, we walked off towards Chaos.

We stalked through the forest at a slow pace. White everywhere. All of us were on guard. “Some Demons will most likely be here. Hellstorm would want to get his hands on Chaos.” Fran whispered as she pulled her twin machine pistols out of her belt and placed in the magazines.
I unsheathed my sword and crouched down so that I could walk without being seen. “Yeah. So we might be getting more than what we bargained for. I hope to God we don’t come across Hellstorm as well.” And as if to reinforce my point, a Maeir jumped down from one of the trees around us in the form of a stone gargoyle. I ducked and threw an uppercut at its head but my fist was caught and I was flung forward into a tree with tremendous force. I smashed into the tree and blood gushed out of my mouth. Fran dived to the ground and pointed her guns at the Maeir. She started shooting. She slid across the floor under the Maeir and tore up its stone body. It changed form into an Ifrit and sliced through a tree with a blade of flames. It roared breathing out a breath of flames. I ducked and Liam punched forward. A gush of blue light flew from his fist cutting the Maeir in half. But once again, the Maeir changed form. This time it became a snow leopard. I could barely see it in the background of the snow. Everything was suddenly quiet. Then a voice surrounded us. “You dare disturb Lord Chaos?! Lesser beings, BEGONE IN THE NAME OF CHAOS’S GUARDIAN RESLIGHT!” Then Reslight pounced from the ground right on top of me. I struggled against the snow Leopards bulking muscles. I raised my arm and threw the sword to my mouth. I caught it and swung my head around slicing Reslights head off. But as soon as I did, Reslight changed form. It became a human after regenerating his head. There was a small crackle of electricity as he did so. A bulky man with a white beard and short hair was the form that Reslight picked. I used this chance to charge at my top speed and get seven cuts in. I sheathed my sword and as I did, Reslight was cut in seven. Liam threw an orb of lightning at Reslight which was blocked by an invisible barrier. Reslight regenerated and again as he did, there was a small crack of lightning that was very difficult to see or hear. “You think lightning will work on me?! How stupid are you? State your intentions or allow me to rip you to shreds.”
“We are the Hellbringers. My name is Hex, this is Liam and this is Fran. We have no intention of harming Chaos. Please allow us to see him.”
“Don’t play with me. You Hellbringers want to kill Chaos and take his power for your own, don’t you!” Reslight bellowed as he jumped at me with his fist balled. I was about to defend when Liam appeared in front of me and made his fist glow red. He then smashed Reslight in the face and he flew back. “Well, if you aren’t gonna let us pass, then I’ll make you.” Liam said.
“No Liam. I’ll take him. Back me up.” I said. “I hope you’re fast.” I was in Reslight’s face and I unsheathed my sword. As I did, I let loose a powerful slash that flew into the tree behind Reslight slicing it in half. But Reslight was behind me. He kicked me in the back with his foot made of metal. I cried out in pain but managed somehow to bear it. I jumped onto the nearest branch and took a quick breather. But I was allowed no more time than a few seconds before Reslight pushed his hand out creating a bolt of lightning. I jumped away from the tree. Fran elbowed him in the face ducked and pushed her foot into Reslights back. She held the trigger on her pistols punching Reslight full of holes. But he regenerated yet again with that same crack of electricity and punched Fran hard in the stomach winding her. “That’s his weakness!” I thought. Fran flew backwards and Liam threw five green balls of light that created a small shockwave on impact. Reslight staggered back caught off guard, I used this chance to spring off the branch. I flew towards him. I held the sword out forward and flew right into Reslight. I impaled him. Blood sprayed from the wound as I pulled out my sword covering the white snow crimson. He coughed up blood for the first time and fell into the snow. “How did you... harm me? I thought my... regenerative capabilities were... absolute? Even though... my powers... were... sealed... by Lord Chaos... How did I get beaten?” It seemed like Liam and I had worked it out at the exact same time. “At first I thought you just had very good regenerative powers. But then I saw a small crackle of lightning as you regenerated. I wounded you twice more on purpose knowing that you would regenerate. But I was looking for the crackle of electricity to confirm my theory. And as I saw it, I knew I was right. Your body is not flesh. Your body is made of lightning! So Liam used that to his advantage.” I explained.
“Yes. Those orbs were made of Chi so they caught you off guard and made you stagger backwards. While you were distracted with Fran and I, Hex put his plan into action. Look at his sword.” Liam instructed. Reslight slowly spun his head around to look at my sword. My blade was brown. Soon it regained its normal silver colour. “Wood?” Reslight stammered.
“Yeah.” I began. “As Liam distracted you, I released my Aura into the surrounding area and absorbed the woods aura. However I transferred it all into my sword therefore my sword took on the properties of wood including its inability to conduct electricity. When I stabbed you, my sword was wood and so it easily stabbed right through you. Now do you want to tell us where Chaos is?” I stooped down to see him face to face. He sucked in some air and spat at me. “Go kill yourself.” Reslight said.
“Fine. Be that way.” I walked off. “His powers were sealed! How powerful would he be unsealed? I just hope to God that Reslight was the only one of Chaos’s guardians.” I thought.

Our current objective was to get to the top of the nearest mountain so that Liam could sense Chaos. Hopefully, we wouldn’t need to do that. Hopefully we would be able to see Chaos. Hopefully, Chaos was not in his Arcane form. “If Chaos is in his true form, then what do?” Fran questioned.
“Well we just tag him. Simple.” I replied.
“But Chaos could kill us in seconds if he is in his true form.” Fran speculated.
“Then we tag him and get the hell out of here ASAP.” Liam said.
“Well we haven’t thought about whether Chaos has a host or not. He might do. Then we wouldn’t be screwed too badly. Would we?” I said.
“But what if we can’t compromise with him and he has a host.” Fran speculated.
“Well let’s get to him first before we start discussing ways Chaos could kill us.” Liam said firmly. “Let’s get up this bloody mountain.” White smoke started come off of Liam. He raised his hands in the air. Then he touched two fingers to his forehead. He pushed his fingers outwards and a light blue staircase of pure ice extended right to the top of the mountain. “Now why couldn’t you do that shit in the first place?” I asked sarcastically.
“Just start walking.” Fran ordered.

We walked up the bridge that Liam had created. The air was getting thin. I struggled to breathe and to top this off; there was a mist and a freezing wind. We trudged up the mountain on Liams bridge of solid ice. My muscles screamed at me to take a break and my lungs burnt for oxygen from the thin air. “I never thought that my greatest battle would be climbing a bloody mountain!” I thought. “If there is another guardian at the top, I’m gonna be playing no part in the fight whatsoever.” I looked over at Liam and saw him in just about the same state as I was. Fran on the other hand was just walking as if it were normal. She was breathing normally and walking as if she did this all day. I shook my head and concentrated on walking. The mist parted partially ahead of us and I could see a flat slab of snow covered rock that was the top of the mountain. I was filled with new determination and I jogged up. Fran and Liam followed suite. We all sprinted and finally reached the top. I practically crumpled down onto the soft snow. Even though it was bitter and cold, I had no objections to a quick rest. I breathed deeply taking in all the air I could. It was harder to breathe up here but I was getting used to it. “So.” I panted. “I take it Chaos is not here. We would have sensed him miles away. And frankly, all I can see are mountains and blankets of snow everywhere. I would be able to see a mass of lightning that moved with a mind of its own.”
“Well we might as well get on with it. Liam are you gonna try and sense the Aura Chaos is giving off?” Fran asked.
“Give me five and then I can get to work.” Liam said lying down.
“No. There’s no need for that.” A voice sounded. I sat up and placed my hand on the hilt of my sword. Fran cocked the hammer on her pistols and Liam lit his fist on fire. “Neither is their need for that. We have a common goal.” The voice sounded again. I looked around me frantically for what the source of the voice could be. It certainly was not Chaos. Chaos would not say that we have a common goal. “Now if I could just do something about this mist I could actually see you.” Then suddenly, the mist was drawn into something as if a black hole had appeared. Then we saw who was talking to us. There was one person. A boy who looked nineteen with natural looking blood red hair and strange yellow eyes. He had pale skin like Liam and was a bit taller than me. He spoke in a tired sounding voice with a vague American accent. He was bare back for some reason and had three identical scars running diagonally downwards on his chest. The mist had disappeared totally and the man burped. “Did he just eat the mist?” I thought. “Who are you?” I demanded.
“My name is Dante. I mean you no harm as the saying goes.” Dante yawned.
I slowly took my hand away from my sword hilt but I was still on guard. Before I could ask anything else, Dante carried on. “I’m searching for Chaos too. I wonder if we could team up. I don’t want anything with him. I just want to see an Arcane for myself.”
“What are you?” Fran asked politely with an underlying tone that suggested it wasn’t a question and that she was demanding to know. “You just ate the mist. That’s not normal. So what are you?”
“Well. That’s a very long story indeed. But basically I know all about Demons, Maeirs, Chi, Arcanes and all that stuff. But what am I? That’s a rude way of putting it but let’s see.” He scratched his head as though he was searching for the right phrase. “I’m half human half Class A Demon. I’m what humans generally refer to as.... a... Vampire.”

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