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Opening to story - Rate it please

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[Reply] #1
04-08-2008 02:50 AM
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Nerevar
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This is based off of the Elder Scrolls series, it’s a group of games, this is heavily based off of Morrowind. The main character is Nerevar. (he’s awesome, as to why that’s my account name)

-------

Captain Torlan straightened the long overcoat over his chainmail uniform. A few quick sweeps from his hand smoothed the wrinkled cloth gathered on his chest. Buttons and buckles shined to a gloss, and his sharpened sword remained sheathed at his side. His hair was trimmed to a proper length close-cropped to the skull, and a clean shave also reflected the ordered look of a ship’s captain. Dimly lit as the narrow hallway was aboard his ship, the Waverunner, he nonetheless wanted to look his best.

And what would it matter? His conscious nagged him, as he approached the cabin door. Its not as though the occupant within cared much for titles or appearances. Hadn’t the mer (elf) dealt with the Great Houses of Morrowind, the notorious Televani mages, the very King Helseth himself? Within the cabin was the very hero that had battled a mad god. Rumor had it; he’d been offered a string of titles once Morrowind was freed, some whispered a council seat or the throne as well, to which he refused them all.

There were still appearances, Captain Torlan reasoned, and of course he primped out of habit. He didn’t get to his title by skill alone. The aging Redguard had provided just the right bribes, and finally managed to captain his own ship. His efforts had been worth it. Once nothing but a pauper on the street, he now led his own crew. He loved the open sea, and the freedom it offered.

Pausing at the door, he gave a short, decisive rap.

Lord Nerevar…The very word carried the weight of legend and mysticism. The Waverunner’s captain had no idea what he expected upon taking the Dark Elven hero aboard, but the friendly, well dressed, and well mannered elf surpassed everything he had heard of the Dark Elves, or Dunmer as they called themselves. There was something very likeable about the Dark Elf, carrying enough charm and grace that one couldn’t help but agree to take him to the dangerous realm of the Akivar.

[Reply] #2
04-09-2008 12:49 AM
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I thought it had a good balance between description and action, but I also feel that it introduces too much too quickly as an opening.

[Reply] #3
04-09-2008 12:55 AM
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Nerevar
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Sweet, someone finally posted. grin

Well, the story is heavily based off of the Elder Scrolls series, so I can see why you may think it’s too much for just an intro. But to someone who has played the games and knows what Akavir or a RedGuard is, it will seem easier to understand. tounge

[Reply] #4
04-13-2008 07:54 AM
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Hnkierthnspz
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Like the opening paragraph; keep it going and developing: nice work, as a beginning. Thanks for inviting responses.

[Reply] #5
04-13-2008 08:08 AM
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Nervin, I think that the story as it stands now is intriguing and well written. It gives a good deal of information to the reader and fleshes out the character well.

Already from the first few paragraphs, I get a feeling of epicness and adventuresque journeys awaiting.

I highly look forward to reading more of this story should you choose to publish more of it for mvc.

I am thoroughly impressed.


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[Reply] #6
04-13-2008 05:29 PM
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Nerevar
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Thanks for the feedback. smiley

I will continue to post more of the story too.

Edited 04-13-2008 05:41 PM by Nerevar
[Reply] #7
04-14-2008 03:46 PM
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Nerevar
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Torlan was glad Lord Nerevar asked nothing more than ship’s passage. He’d taken a quest to find some relic and only needed a method to take him close to shore, not to actually dock. This was good. The Redguard had doubts his crew would agree to anything but that with the Akavir’s reputation. It was still the lull of plentiful amounts of gold that had them agree to this anyway.

“Yes?” A voice called from beyond the door. “What is it?”

“Its Captain Torlan, sir.” Torlan entered, finding the Dunmer looking over a number of maps of the mysterious region known as Akivar. The maps, of course, were incomplete. Few dared go this far, let alone into the lands of the ‘snake people’. Too many had never returned, and those that managed to survive had tales of danger that left even the bravest reluctant to go.

The Nerevarine was dressed in a simple tunic of deep blue with breeches of gray and silver. His garb was oddly casual, matching the length of unbound hair that fell past shoulders. Only boots of black guarskin provided any armor. Somehow, Torlan had assumed the hero would be always at the ready. The only other armor he could see was a simple leather cuirass with matching greaves set aside near the bed. Posture was relaxed, as he stood leaning forward to better read in the dim light of lanterns.

“What is it?” The Nerevarine’s voice was curious, undemanding. Red eyes the shade of Comberry wine blinked back at him patiently.

“A ship, Lord Nerevar.” Captain Torlan announced. He couldn’t help but notice the slight wince wrinkling the dusky brow at the title. He’d heard the Nerevarine wasn’t particularly fond of the attention his title brought him. Perhaps he was simply bothered a ship was approaching, interrupting his expedition.

“A ship?”

“Yes, sir. Off the port bow.” Already the Dunmer got to his feet, buckling on his sword. He was taller than most Dark Elves, and lean. Upon first meeting Lord Nerevar, Torlan had wondered if he was in fact the Nerevarine. Surely this Dunmer hardly appeared as a battle-weary champion that had saved Morrowind on more than one occasion. He bore no scars, looked too young, was altogether unassuming to be the reputed hero.

The Redguard took note of a short blade of curved, blue steel. He knew the sword was enchanted, but this was obviously not the famous Keening blade used to kill the god Dagoth. In fact, the only thing upon this person that denoted who he was flickered brightly on his hand; The Moon-and-Star ring. Reputedly, only the reborn Dunmer general of legend could wear such a ring without being killed outright. This and this alone was enough proof and proclamation to who Lord Nerevar was.

“What colors do they fly?” Lord Nerevar asked, already heading towards the deck of the ship. Torlan felt small compared to the taller elf, trying to keep up.

“The Imperial dragon, sir.”

[Reply] #8
04-17-2008 02:29 AM
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NEREVAR117 wrote: Torlan was glad Lord Nerevar asked nothing more than ship’s passage. He’d taken a quest to find some relic and only needed a method to take him close to shore, not to actually dock. This was good. The Redguard had doubts his crew would agree to anything but that with the Akavir’s reputation. It was still the lull of plentiful amounts of gold that had them agree to this anyway.

“Yes?” A voice called from beyond the door. “What is it?”

“Its Captain Torlan, sir.” Torlan entered, finding the Dunmer looking over a number of maps of the mysterious region known as Akivar. The maps, of course, were incomplete. Few dared go this far, let alone into the lands of the ‘snake people’. Too many had never returned, and those that managed to survive had tales of danger that left even the bravest reluctant to go.

The Nerevarine was dressed in a simple tunic of deep blue with breeches of gray and silver. His garb was oddly casual, matching the length of unbound hair that fell past shoulders. Only boots of black guarskin provided any armor. Somehow, Torlan had assumed the hero would be always at the ready. The only other armor he could see was a simple leather cuirass with matching greaves set aside near the bed. Posture was relaxed, as he stood leaning forward to better read in the dim light of lanterns.

“What is it?” The Nerevarine’s voice was curious, undemanding. Red eyes the shade of Comberry wine blinked back at him patiently.

“A ship, Lord Nerevar.” Captain Torlan announced. He couldn’t help but notice the slight wince wrinkling the dusky brow at the title. He’d heard the Nerevarine wasn’t particularly fond of the attention his title brought him. Perhaps he was simply bothered a ship was approaching, interrupting his expedition.

“A ship?”

“Yes, sir. Off the port bow.” Already the Dunmer got to his feet, buckling on his sword. He was taller than most Dark Elves, and lean. Upon first meeting Lord Nerevar, Torlan had wondered if he was in fact the Nerevarine. Surely this Dunmer hardly appeared as a battle-weary champion that had saved Morrowind on more than one occasion. He bore no scars, looked too young, was altogether unassuming to be the reputed hero.

The Redguard took note of a short blade of curved, blue steel. He knew the sword was enchanted, but this was obviously not the famous Keening blade used to kill the god Dagoth. In fact, the only thing upon this person that denoted who he was flickered brightly on his hand; The Moon-and-Star ring. Reputedly, only the reborn Dunmer general of legend could wear such a ring without being killed outright. This and this alone was enough proof and proclamation to who Lord Nerevar was.

“What colors do they fly?” Lord Nerevar asked, already heading towards the deck of the ship. Torlan felt small compared to the taller elf, trying to keep up.

“The Imperial dragon, sir.”



Good. I think I’m starting to understand it a bit more, though you must excuse me, having never played the game before, only watched my cousin play it for a few minutes. You know, I did purchase a CD for a Morrowind game (I don’t know how many there are) but my faggot ass computer didn’t support it’s the colours of graphics or something and I couldn’t afford a graphics card, so I never managed to play it (same thing happened with Age of Empires three :( ). Anyway, tension builds and I am curious about these “snake people”.

[Reply] #9
04-17-2008 02:33 AM
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Cool story Nervin. smiley

Can Nerevar have an epic battle with Lu Bu? smiley


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[Reply] #10
04-17-2008 02:35 AM
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or gang lu... the chinese grad student from University of Iowa who went on a killing spree on campus and then killed himself only a few hours after i was born... i drive them chinese people to kill... XD


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[Reply] #11
04-17-2008 02:38 AM
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And Nerevar and Lu Bu have to have a 3-way battle against Shiro Tagachi. smiley


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[Reply] #12
04-17-2008 03:07 AM
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Nerevar
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Gonna post more soon. Nerevar gets his ass kicked, actually. And no, he doesn’t fight people with silly names. wink

Edited 04-17-2008 03:08 AM by Nerevar
[Reply] #13
04-17-2008 03:09 AM
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NEREVAR117 wrote: Gonna post more soon. Nerevar gets his ass kicked, actually. And no, he doesn’t fight people with silly names. wink


He gets beat by Shiro and Lu Bu? shocked


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[Reply] #14
04-17-2008 03:12 AM
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=/

No.

I’m about to post more in a moment, hang on.

[Reply] #15
04-17-2008 03:15 AM
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Nerevar
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As they stepped foot upon the scattered deck, the men and women of his crew immediately straightened. The Dark Elves among them made gestures of reverence, saluting the warrior of their homeland, while others respectfully gave him room to walk to the bow. Lord Nerevar didn’t take notice. Perhaps he took it for granted, or perhaps he was too intent on the ship just taking shape amid the early dawn mists of the sea.

Torlan found concern on his face, his own unease sparking to alarm. “What is it, Lord Nerevar?”

The elf looked grim, glaring out to the approaching ship. “It’s my experience, captain, to always suspect trouble.” He turned slightly, relaxing the tension in his face with a slight smile in regards to Torlan. “Especially from the Imperials. Why would a ship follow us out here of all places?” The question was rhetorical, “It means they want me to carry out some particularly dangerous quest that no one else can do.”

What could possibly be more dangerous than entering the lands of Akivar? “Shall we allow them aboard, sir?”

The Neveravine glared back out to sea, eyeing with suspicion to the ship rapidly gaining speed on the high winds. “I suppose we have little choice.” He turned back to return to his assigned cabin. “Tell me when they get here.”

“Yes sir.”

The ship, as it turned out, had come from Ebonheart bearing the colors of the Imperial Legion. Torlan found, however, a mix of races amid the crew. Not that was particularly unusual, but the first thing that alerted to trouble was a woman in full Bonemold armor, a Dunmer woman with dark red hair bound to a topknot looked back with a stern and serious expression. She appeared to be their leader.

Torlan had not stayed in the Legion for long. He baulked at the rules, and disliked the way the soldiers pushed others around. Even in the short time, however, he knew enough that a person leading Imperial soldiers was to wear Imperial armor at all times. They prided themselves on being men and women of the Empire. This woman seemed to be from one of Morrowind Great Houses.

“Get Lord Nerevar…and quickly.” Torlan muttered to one of his crew as he watched the other ship throw mooring hooks to steady the two ships together. Planks were set between the decks for people to walk across, and it seemed in Torlan’s experience, too many were boarding at one time. He eyed their uniforms, their stance, and the challenging stares he received from the soldiers. The thought occurred to him the Imperials might assume he was a smuggler, and sought to investigate the hold. In his lifetime, he had played the part of smuggler on occasion, but not this time. They’d find nothing but legal goods.

The woman approached with determined stride, armor rattling. “You are captain of the Waverunner?” She demanded, leaving little doubt that she expected a quick answer. She continued at his nod. “I am Dilvene Venim of House Redoran and I am here to speak with the Nerevarine.”

He never found Dunmer woman particularly attractive. Dunmer by their race had red eyes, from shades of pink to her blood hue. Skin was a pale dust to deep stormy gray, often marred by tattoo or deliberate scars. The Nerevarine was one of the rare charismatic dark elves, graced with exceedingly good looks. He was clearly not born to Morrowind, however. He had no scars or tattoos. Even this woman had a mark upon her hand that denoted her clan. Her face stared back with thin lips, narrow eyes, and a permanent scowl. Perhaps it was the glare that stole any semblance of good looks.

Torlan was not familiar with the politics of Morrowind, but even he had heard of the Venim name. There was Duke Venim, ruler of the province of Vvardenfell, with the name running amok through many of the Houses. Was she a relative? He opened his mouth to speak, but heard the footsteps behind him, realizing Lord Nerevar had approached.

[Reply] #16
04-17-2008 03:18 AM
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Did Nerv get pwned? grin

*reads*

... not yet... sad


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[Reply] #17
04-17-2008 03:20 AM
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Nerevar
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Yeah, not yet.

[Reply] #18
04-17-2008 03:22 AM
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NEREVAR117 wrote: Yeah, not yet.


If I were him, I’d hit the ~ button and bust out some cheats. smiley


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[Reply] #19
05-01-2008 07:48 PM
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So, how’s this comin' along, Nerv?


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[Reply] #20
05-01-2008 11:56 PM
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Nerevar
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I’m waiting for someone to comment on the new part of the story. =/

I’m not posting anymore until I feel people are enjoying it.

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