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Can somebody give me some feedback?

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[Reply] #1
06-02-2015 11:04 PM
Joined: 12-24-2014
Posts: 1,088
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Dixie Normous
Dixie Normous
UBER 1337 Poster
Rep: 22

This is an excerpt from a book I’m writing. I felt this was my strongest part, so please r8 it.

The door to the lab screeched as Ben made his way in.
“Ah,” said Ben looking at a bottle clouded with dust on top of the front table, “I’m sorry I kept you waiting so long, Shea. As you ordered, I finished examining Robert’s body for any traces of Paco. With the gas in effect, Rob should be dead within two minutes or so.” Ben took the cap off of the bottle with great precision. With a pop, the dust flowed out instantaneously to reveal the disfigured red headed Shea.
“Thank you, Ben,” murmured Shea, “I trust you have Paco’s medallion?”
“I sure-”
With a crash, the MAC lab door opened once more. A familiar floppy dick slowly walked into the room. “Give it back,” he said ominously, “or I’ll tell everybody your secret, Shea.”
“Paco,” cackled Shea, “What are you talking about? What secret are you talking about?”
“I know your real identity. You lied to the district about being a mundie. I know you’re actually a bitch. A pure blooded bitch, at that. You can get executed for lying to the district about your frequency.”
“He’s exactly correct,” confirmed a voice right behind Paco. Shea and Ben stared in awe as they saw the infamous Buss pat Paco’s head. Buss was the blonde half faggot, half bitch that somehow got a job as a principal. “Of course, I don’t need to worry about it,” she continued, “My mother was a faggot. My father was a bitch. Everybody knows that.”
In a split second, Ben and Shea launched themselves at Buss and Paco. In confusion, Paco’s body ejaculated and warped before could land a hit on him. With desperately searching for any sign of Paco, Buss and Shea continued their vicious scuffle.
“A half blood like you could never defeat a pure blooded bitch like me, Buss!”
“Quiet, ginger!”
As Buss was relentlessly slapping and kicking Shea with the strength of one million germs, Shea shaped herself into dust as a distraction. The dust smothered Buss from all directions, leading the unsuspecting blondie to cough and hack violently.
“This is the end for you, Buss! Not even the planet of the bitches could survive my power!”
“You fool! I had this planned all along!” Rapidly, Buss reached under the front table of the MAC lab and pulled out a vacuum cleaner. Shea was sucked clean in to the vacuum, gasping for breath. After a few seconds, she was fully trapped and tormented. Buss put the cleaner aside and looked towards Ben. “Now, Ben. I’ll let you live if you just give me the-”
What Buss wanted, Ben never found out. Paco had already warped behind Buss in a flurry of light before she could react. Buss’ very essence was moved towards another dimension after Paco put his sticky hands around her.
“What the hell…,” Ben wondered in awe.
Unfortunately for Ben, another guest made his way into the MAC lab. Delque had bandages after his fight with Robert, but he was making a niggalicious recovery. Strangely, he was not accompanied by Aldrich, as he was hacking the vending machine while Delque made his entrance.
“THAT’S MY DICK!” shouted Delque, pointing towards Paco.
“Delque,” greeted Paco, “It has been a while.”
“You better start explaining things! Why the hell aren’t you dead, Paco? And how did you take control of my dick? Don’t even think of lying to me, Paco! I’d recognize my own dick from a mile away!”
“Don’t point your fingers at me, Delque. This was all Aldrich’s idea. He offered me revenge on Mrs. Shea for attempting to murder me while I was in the hospital. Aldrich also wanted to see the extent of your power, so he stole your dick while you were asleep so he could make a deal with you later on. He transported my soul into your dick so that I could survive, for my old body was much too injured to live in.”
“Goddamnit! That shitty gatorade dealer planned all of this out! It all makes sense now….”
“Well, it was nice seeing you again, Delque, but if you’ll excuse me…..”
“Hell no! I’m not leaving without my dick!” Delque’s anger outweighed Paco’s warping ability. Delque quickly grabbed Paco and reattached the dick to where it belonged originally.
“NO!” Ben shouted, “Now that you reattached it, Paco’s soul is gone forever! I could have studied it for so much longer!”
“I don’t really care. I feel great now! With my dick reattached, I can destroy Aldrich and this entire damn school!”
Ben quivered in fear as a laughing Delque made his way towards him. However, it was then that Ben had his epiphany. He remembered Liebenau’s old technique. Yes! He could use the same method Liebenau used to knock the black out of Niggaless! Ben was gasping for breath as he was running towards the lost and found box behind the MAC lab with Delque following him. When he finally reached it, Ben pulled out a gallon of bleach and some dirty laundry.
“It’s over for you now, Ben! I can finally get you back for putting me in prison!” laughed Delque. “Now….ERECTIN’ A DISPENSER!” As Delque said these words, the bulge in his pants grew larger and larger. He was now standing on his own dick.
When Delque was within a feet of Ben, Ben pulled out his bleached clothing and whipped Delque with it with all his might. After the impact, Delque let out a deafening scream and fell over. Delque’s black skin slowly turned extremely white, and his dick shrunk exponentially.

[Reply] #2
06-03-2015 08:04 PM
Les Matadorss
Guest

You best be joking.
“This is the end for you, Buss! Not even the planet of the bitches could survive my power!”

I suggest you restart from the beginning.

[Reply] #3
06-03-2015 08:27 PM
English scholar
Guest

Dixie, this is wonderful.

“This is the end for you, Buss! Not even the planet of the bitches could survive my power!“

I’ve never read something of such astonishing eloquence. This line in and of itself is the epitome of literary magnificence and elegance. You’re gonna be big one day.

And as for you, Mata, quietly resume berating innocent people for not partaking in war conflicts from the safety of your basement.

[Reply] #4
06-03-2015 08:36 PM
Les Matadorss
Guest

English scholar wrote: Dixie, this is wonderful.

“This is the end for you, Buss! Not even the planet of the bitches could survive my power!“

I’ve never read something of such astonishing eloquence. This line in and of itself is the epitome of literary magnificence and elegance. You’re gonna be big one day.

And as for you, Mata, quietly resume berating innocent people for not partaking in war conflicts from the safety of your basement.


Oh boy,I wonder what clown this is. It’s getting harder to keep track of then.

[Reply] #5
06-03-2015 08:59 PM
Needs More....
Guest

http://loungemoviecodec.forumotion.com

Omg better than this shitty place!

[Reply] #6
06-04-2015 09:25 PM
Joined: 05-03-2014
Posts: 573
offline
Mentlegan
Mentlegan
Regular
Rep: 14

Needs more metaphors.

Like: “Faster than the duration of a Bleach chapter”.

Edited 06-04-2015 10:00 PM by Mentlegan
[Reply] #7
06-04-2015 10:11 PM
dixie nli
Guest

Hey, guys. Sorry, I didn’t see these responses yesterday. I just wanted to thank you for your feedback. It’s going to need some editing, but I’m almost finished with the book.

[Reply] #8
06-04-2015 10:18 PM
Joined: 06-04-2015
Posts: 103
offline
No..
No..
Regular
Rep: 5

NO


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